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Enzymes and Your Health, Nutritional Dietary Supplement
This compilation of information is Copyright 2005 by http://www.organicgreens.us and Loring Windblad. The references for this series of articles is the author’s personal knowledge and experience, the book “Enzymes for Autism and other Nurological...
Healthy Eating Habits
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Sex Without Intimacy and Intimacy Without Sex
We no longer feel the social pressure to confine sex to
committed relationships. In fact, we're free to explore our
sexuality with just about anyone we like. Sex is now an accepted
recreational activity. What we often don't realize, however, is
that even casual, recreational sex still involves intimacy. We
may have overcome our fear and shame about sex, but many of us
still have issues regarding intimacy. If we experience more
intimacy than we can handle, we will feel threatened; our safety
checklist will be triggered. No matter how "safe" we make sex,
sex may not be safe to us.
When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more
completely and more honestly than at any other time. We let our
egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to experience a
true connection with another person. Then the ego comes back
into the picture, and we're hit with the fear of separation, and
all of our old patterns. If we don't have enough trust or enough
safety, we will feel threatened, guilty, and generally unsafe.
No matter how much society's beliefs about sex have evolved in
our lifetime, our core conditioning tells us that there's no
such thing as no-strings sex. We still equate sex with love, and
love with commitment. And we equate love and commitment with
vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs will
not be met.
Sex is very easy to come by in today's society. What most of us
crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge is that
the only model most of us have for expressing or experiencing
intimacy is sex. Intimacy requires trust, and trust takes time.
It's very difficult to experience true intimacy through casual
sex.
The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be
threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs early
in the relationship. Safety is essential in the early stages of
a relationship--even the smallest safety violation can mark the
end of a budding romance. As we get to know our partners over
time, we create a foundation of trust and familiarity. We can
keep minor safety violations in perspective. This is not the
case when we have truly casual sex with someone.
When we become sexual with a person we've just met, even the
smallest safety violation will be enough to stop our getting to
know each other. One of the challenges is that it's not usually
appropriate or possible to have a Relationship Definition Talk
with a person we've known less than six hours. There is no real
relationship to discuss. While we both may have wanted to pursue
a romantic relationship before we had sex, we often find we're
less interested the next morning, because we feel unsafe. We
experienced too much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create
some distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we
can recover. These walls, however, block the emotional and
spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to get to
know each other in the first place. Since we don't really know
our partner, we wonder if there was ever a genuine connection
between us. We often end up with the awkward "morning after"
where one of us promises to call the other, and neither of us
believes the phone will actually ring.
Two popular television shows demonstrate our current approaches
to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.
SEX WITHOUT INTIMACY: "SEX AND THE CITY"
HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the loves
and lives of four single women living in New York City. The
show has become a cultural touchstone because it explores
sexuality from the woman's point of view in frank, funny, and
honest ways. The four main characters are smart, independent,
decent, professional, attractive women. They each have a
different approach to sex, love and relationships, and between
them they cover a broad spectrum of expectations and attitudes
towards sex. The main characters have become so much a part of
popular culture that many women use them as reference points to
describe their own patterns and feelings about sex. So do many
gay men.
For those of you not familiar with the series (and even for
those of us who are), I'll provide a brief description of each
of the main characters to illustrate their attitudes towards
sex.
SAMANTHA
Samantha Jones takes the most stereotypically male approach to
sex. She truly enjoys sex, and for the most part, she's content
to have a healthy sex life with multiple partners. She has no
guilt or shame associated with sex. Sex for Samantha does not
require any kind of emotional commitment, nor does it imply any
kind of relationship. She enjoys sex for the sake of sex.
Samantha is largely self-sufficient, and is able to meet her
validation needs through her close friendships. Although
Samantha had three significant romantic relationships during the
run of the show (including a lesbian relationship), she has
never set out to find a relationship.
CARRIE
Carrie Bradshaw has a healthy appreciation for casual sex as
well. Carrie, however, is looking for something more than just
sex--she is looking for a relationship. While Carrie is less
likely than Samantha to simply hook up with an attractive
stranger, she doesn't need to feel like she's in a committed
relationship before she will have sex. Sex is a part of casual
dating for Carrie.
MIRANDA
Miranda Hobbes is more interested in finding a romantic
relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is more than just
sex--it implies some kind of commitment, and requires some kind
of emotional connection. The few times Miranda has indulged in
strictly casual sex, she's been disappointed. Miranda needs to
feel that sex is a part of a relationship--and she has, in the
past, used sex as a way to try to initiate a relationship. Once
she has sex with someone, she immediately begins to see him as a
potential long-term romantic partner.
CHARLOTTE
If Samantha is the most stereotypically masculine in her
approach to sex, Charlotte York is the most stereotypically
feminine. Although she doesn't like to admit it, Charlotte is
uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. For Charlotte, sex
should only be part of a committed relationship. Charlotte sets
the most boundaries with respect to her sex life--how far she's
willing to go sexually has a direct relation to how strong a
commitment she receives from her partner. Of course this did
backfire on her--she made her first husband wait until they were
married before she would have sex with him, and then discovered
that he couldn't.
INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX: "WILL & GRACE"
"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we want to find a
model for an intimate relationship, we have to look to another
popular television show: "Will & Grace." Will Truman and Grace
Adler share a tremendous amount of love, trust and intimacy in
their relationship. They validate and support each other, and
they share the kind of emotional connections that most of us
truly crave in our lives. Ironically, the only reason that they
manage to do this is that sex can never be a part of their
relationship, since Will is gay. Women and gay men have always
shared a special bond. In many ways, relationships between women
and gay men are the only ones where we can experience true
intimacy without involving sex.
But sex and intimacy are still connected. The more intimate we
become with someone, the more important it will be that we are
able to express that intimacy through sex. Our objective in our
romantic relationships is to feel loved. Ultimately, love
involves a balance of sex and intimacy. But for many of us, the
choice seems to be either having intimacy without sex, or sex
without intimacy. We've all but forgotten how to combine the
two.
About the Author
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life. Visit
http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating
AMAZING Relationships.
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